For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. I vividly remember Mrs. Bay asking us in 1st grade “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer was “I want to be a mom.” That was a given for her. I’m a girl–duh I’d be a mom. She meant what profession did I want to be…and you know what? My answer didn’t change. I wanted to be someone’s M O M.
And here I am, 26 years later as the mom to them: Santi, Joaquin and Antonio. My sons. So, baby boys, I dedicate this post to you:
Dear Santi, Joaquin and Antonio,
You guys have probably no idea how much I think about your face. Constantly, all day long, I think about your eyes, your different noses, and your equally delectable mouths. I think about how different you look but how you all have our signature red hair. I think about your different personalities and how the compliment each other perfectly. I think daily about how my baby boys are growing so fast into big boys and soon into men. I often times find myself just staring at you while you play, laugh or talk. I imagine the conversations we’ll have, the things you’ll do as adolescents and the memories we’ll make together on our yearly family vacation. I wonder what type of relationship we’ll have and at what age will I finally become embarrassing. I hope that I’ll like your friends and that I’ll be strong enough to allow you to make your own choices and mistakes. I pray everyday for patience because while I adore you more than I could ever write or put into words, you all equally drive me insane. I’m excited about watching the three of you play and fight in our home, and while I know it’ll be loud and obnoxious, you three will have a bond that I hope will be unbreakable. I think about the career paths you’ll choose and therefore the lifelong interest you’ll have. These thoughts–they consume me. The spouses you’ll one day have, the fathers you’ll become–everything about your person is a constant thought in my brain.
I remember the exact day I found out I was pregnant with each of you. I remember what I was wearing, what I was doing and the emotion I felt at knowing I was growing my baby inside of me. Unfortunately, you’ll never understand the feeling of having something that is so yours in your belly–the feeling of the kicking, the movements. It’s all encompassing and I was lucky enough to feel you perfectly and contently. You were kind to me and my body, and in return I was able to grow the perfect child each time. It’s crazy to think how I nurtured you for so long without truly knowing you and immediately fell in love as soon as my eyes met yours. If I close my eyes, I can remember each detail from the day of your birth and the feeling I had when they placed you on top of me. Each of you made me a mom.
Santi, you made me a mom for the first time. You changed who I was overnight and your love has transformed me. I am, without a doubt, a better person because of you. You are vibrant, funny, caring, crazy, loud, sweet, sentimental, curious and mine. I am your princess and you will forever be my little prince.
Joaquin, you taught me the meaning of a heart doubling in size. You made me a mom of multiples and for that I’ll be forever grateful. You taught me patience–patience I didn’t even think was possible. You have given me a new understanding for boundaries because while I adore kissing you, it’s not your thing. You are mischievous, hilarious, strong willed and beautiful. You are like a piece of gum stuck to me from the moment I wake up until you go to sleep and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Antonio, everything about your existence was a complete surprise, but the moment I saw your perfect face, I imprinted on you. I have never in my entire life felt something be so mine. You and I will forever share a special bond that I cannot put into words. You made me a mom of boys for the rest of my life and my heart aches with joy when I see you. You will always be my baby boy. I will adore you until my last breath.
Thank you, truly, for picking me to be your mom. Thank you in advance for all the lessons you will undoubtedly teach me, and for listening to the lessons I’ll try to teach you. I’ll take this opportunity to apologize for all the times I won’t get it right, and say “you’re welcome” for all the times that I will. You know, we are growing up together and it’s pretty special. Yes, I’m a big girl and you’re my children, but we’re both evolving in this world. I’m not just growing as Adriana, but I’m evolving as a mom–your mom.