I’ve done this all before. Remember, this is my third go around and yet, some things you forget—no matter how little ago it happened.
I remember pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, middle of the night feedings and everything in between. I remember teething and wanting to look good in general, not for just having had a baby. I can’t explain why, but every single time I forget how absolutely lonely I feel in the middle of the night, feeding my baby.
I feel kinda guilty even saying it because I should be embracing this time–connecting with my child and looking lovingly into his eyes. I mean, especially now because I know this is my last one, and savoring these moments is what it’s all about, right?
Wrong. Apparently these moments are all about seeing who can cry for longer (and who can cry the loudest). I wake up and I want to scream into a pillow (even if I fell asleep at 9PM, which is typically the case, so I’m getting 8 hrs of sleep). It’s the mere fact that everyone else is asleep, cozy in their beds and I’m awake trying to keep a human alive and content. It just never stops.
5:01 AM: Antonio is making super low noises
I’m repeating to myself over and over again “OMG it’s starting” but I continue to keep my eyes closed because you know, wishful thinking.
5:05 AM: Antonio is now crying but super low. I’m hoping his tete fell off and sit up to shove it in his mouth.
5:06 AM: At this point I’m panting because his tete was in fact already in his mouth. He’s hungry.
5:07 AM: Maybe if I rock him he’ll fall back asleep and I can feed him at 7 AM. But Antonio wouldn’t wait. He was done waiting. The crying gets louder so I put on white noise.
5:10 AM: Formula powder falls everywhere as I try to prepare his bottle. I’m trying to see how much I measured (in the dark) and Antonio is now scoffing.
5:12 AM: Santiago, my 31 year old husband starts to make noises too. His are more irritating because he’s awake and refuses to help. I make a mental note to be mad at him in the morning.
5:15 AM: His milk is finally ready but I forgot the bib. Wait, forget the stupid bib–he won’t shut. up.
5:15 and 2 seconds: Santiago kindly suggests I leave the room.
5:15 and 2.5 seconds: I kindly suggests he look for a divorce lawyer.
Antonio immediately guzzles his milk and is left unsatisfied. I made him only 2 oz so he learns his lesson and stops waking me up at night.
He thanks my by crying hysterically until I’m forced to leave the room.
As I set up camp to binge watch Lost, I turn the lights on and see his smiling face.
Yes I felt lonely in my desperation for 18 minutes but damn, that smile made it all better.
5:25 AM: I kissed him so much and so hard he’s now crying again.