Getting married and having children was always part of my life plan, so the fact that I’m 30 and married with 2 kids is no surprise to me. Having two sons—that was a surprise. I love them to death and wouldn’t change them for anything (I’m inserting this extremely obvious fact here for those who think otherwise), but I really saw myself as a girl mom. I also really saw Santiago as a girl dad. We aren’t sporty, we like silence, we don’t like messes, both of us hate being outside and I love pink.
Outside and gardening… Do you see what I mean?
Anyways, when I was pregnant with Santi an ultrasound technician at my genetics doctor’s office told me it looked like a girl and I spent the rest of the day shopping at Petite Amie. When I say that my mother and I bought one of everything that was pink, I don’t think I’m exaggerating. It was magical, and short lived.
A few days later I went back to my OBGYN for a quick checkup. The ultrasound technician there asked me if I wanted to know the gender of the child. “oh, I know it’s a girl!” I cannot express how stupid I probably looked. I said it super casually but with no doubt in my voice. I probably smiled like an idiot and the lady’s face turned white. Look guys, I’m white. I’m the whitest. She was whiter than me. She was so sad and said “oh no…it’s not..it’s a boy”
Anyway, Santi was born and he was perfect and being a boy mom isn’t that big of a deal, it’s actually super cool. Fast forward to May 2018 and I get the news that I’m pregnant once again. When I told my grandmother Marta, she hugged me and said “Estoy segura que esta si es niña,” and I took her feeling for thinking it was a girl as a solid fact. And so, for 12 more weeks I envisioned myself the mom of a daughter—finally. The day I went to meet with my ultrasound technician for the big news, I went with both my mom and my mother-in-law. You know, so we could celebrate together.
Same scenario as before, I lay down, she asks about the gender, I say yes I want to know… and then silence. She was squinting and saying “ugh I wish you were just one more week so I could tell you 100% but I’m pretty sure I know what it is…it looks like… it looks like you’re having another boy.” My doctor’s office is across the street from South Miami Hospital, and we were so silent in that room that I’m pretty sure we could have heard a woman in labor if we tried hard enough. The next thing I hear is my mom, who by the way at this point is completely in my face, asking me “Do you want to cry? It’s ok to cry.” My mother in law did not utter one word.
Now, I’m hesitant to even say this, but it took me a while to come to terms with this. I grieved the loss of my daughter, even though I never truly had her. I know, you don’t have to tell me, plus I’ve heard it all before. I’m lucky. I have two healthy kids, boys love their moms, blah blah blah. I wasn’t thinking about what I already had as something negative, I was thinking about things I felt I’d be missing out on without a baby girl.
I’ve always wanted three children so in the back of my mind I knew I had “one more chance,” and now that I’m almost three months pregnant with my third child that final chance is finally here. I also have in the back of my mind that maybe I’m destined to be a boy mom, and I think I’m coming to terms with it. I did my gender test yesterday and I’m just waiting for the results. Right now, I have no idea if I’m carrying my son or my daughter. I have no idea if I’m growing the child that would look most like me, have any of my same traits or understand my sarcasm. If I don’t have a daughter, I know it won’t be the end of the world. I’m not going to see it as the end of some horrible chapter, but the beginning of my chapter as a queen among my men. What I do know is that I’m going to have a baby that was destined to be mine, to be part of our family and to complete us. Now that’s something to celebrate.
Santiago’s family is pretty big and there are 4 of us who are close, and all of us are the mother to two sons. It’s a nice little group to be in because while the four of us rock it, we also all want a baby girl (insert violin here). And if you think I’m bad because I’ve been rambling on and on about this, one of the other moms once googled “benefits to having sons.”