Red for Thought Mom Talk: An Honest Conversation Between Moms – Red for Thought

Mom Talk: An Honest Conversation Between Moms

The “I’m Actually Pregnant” Mom

Iliana Lobo is currently pregnant with her first baby; a boy named Leonardo

Years of waiting and her time has finally come. She’s going to be a mom to her very own baby and she can hardly believe it. I mean, she works in education so she’s surrounded by kids constantly–like too much–like, you may even questions why she wanted one of her own, but here she is! Everything is changing and she wasn’t quite ready for that but she’s here for it all.  She is sweet, fun and patient. Her kid is going to adore her. Also, we have the same OBGYN, so I’m so excited for her to go into labor and experience it with the best! I’m rooting for her happy ending and cheering because she’s going to be part of the #boygang.

Here is our Q + A: 

Q: You’re pregnant with your first child! Let’s talk about that. Give me the timeline.

I: It took forever. I got married in 2017 and we started trying what, like, 5 months after. But we had been talking about it forever.

A: And you guys had been living together?

I: Yes! Since, wow, 2015. And we have been together since 2014. We are celebrating our 6th year together but our 3rd year married.

Q: Do you know why it took forever?

I: I think it’s because of my thyroid.

A: How long did it take exactly to get pregnant?

I: Two years, two years and a half.

A: Did you ever go to a specialist?

I: I didn’t. I went to this girl (after a little back and forth, we determined that the girl is in fact our OBGYN, which is a woman with a medical degree and two kids.) She recommended that I check my thyroid so I did and they all told me to relax and to get this under control. So I guess it took like a whole year to get it under control. It took a few months for them to tell me “ok this is normal” but it wasn’t normal enough for me to have a baby I guess. And then, every month was like…ugh..when my period would come.

A: It’s the worst!

I: It’s the worst feeling in the world.

A: And everyone is getting pregnant around you!

I: Everyone! Even my co-teacher.

Q: So when you finally got pregnant, it was a big surprise?

I: Big surprise, because I had stopped trying.

A: They say how it’s always happens.

I: I said ok forget it. We had just moved…First of all, we are here in lockdown, secondly we were in an apartment and we were planning on moving to Orlando so I said forget it I have to get a new job. And then that’s when I got pregnant.

A series of “OMG!! I can’t believe this” was thrown around in 15 different ways. 

Q: So what happened that made you take a test?

I: So the day we moved into a new house I noticed I hadn’t gotten my period. I thought it was stress–covid, moving, thyroid–whatever. It could be anything.  It was a Sunday, I said “oh I have an extra test” so I just took it. I didn’t tell him anything because I only did it to take the idea out of my head. And then…I didn’t know how to read it. It had one dark like and one light line.

A: That happened to me with Santi! I had been trying forever (in hindsight it was not forever. I’m an exagerada), I took the test but didn’t take the time to see the super faint line come up. So I thought it was negative. I threw the test in my closet and spent the entire day super upset. And at night I told Santiago what happened and he got the test and was like “ummm, this is positive.”

I: But I was like, ok that’s not two lines. So I told him, “by the way, I just took a test and I’m not pregnant,” and he wanted to see the tests so I told him how the line was faint and he was like, “no I think this is positive.”

A: I even went out to get a new test, like the new ones that say P R E G N A N T because I couldn’t believe it.

We talked about how no matter how quickly or slowly becoming pregnant takes, it always seems like forever. Cause like, when you want a baby–you want a baby. 

I: I thought it may be faint because the test was old–it was like 6 months old. So I went to buy a new test. I got to the store, I forgot my mask–I had to run back to my house to get the mask…

A: A Covid pregnancy!

I: I finally took another test and the lines were faint again.

A: You were probably super early on.

I: Yes, I was! So then I took the other type and it finally came back and said P R E G N A N T. So then I cried. I cried and cried and cried. And then my first thought was, “what if I loose it?” That was my first thought because of course, it couldn’t happen for me.

Q: Why did you think you would loose the baby?

I: It was just what I thought. I can’t believe I married someone who stands me, who tolerates me. Then we have been trying for so long–it’s too good to be true. We just moved into a house. It’s too much. And then of course he was like “one day at a time,” and then it was fine. My mom had just left so I called her and she cried, my dad cried. They had to pull over the car. And it was beautiful.

A: How far along were you when you went to the doctor?

I: Five weeks.

A: OK…I found out with all three of my pregnancies at three or four weeks. My pregnancies are eternal because I always find out at the very beginning.

Q: Wait, let’s talk about Molina–do you love her?

I: I love her so much. She brings peace.

A: She brings so much peace! You may not be giving birth in the middle of Covid like I did, but even then she was the best. The best, the best, the best. (Can you guys tell that I love her? And that I think she’s the best?)

I: Last time I went I was only three months so I didn’t ask her that many questions like about delivery. So I have no idea how this works.

A: No! You’ll hear about that towards the end. In your 30ish weeks–she’ll fill you in on the game plan. But you’re not going to hear about anything until you’re in the hospital. They’ll teach you how to push when you’re 10cm dilated and they’re about to call the doctor. And if I’ve done it three times, you can do it. Trust me. Right, Hazel?

Hazel was over doing my hair and makeup–making me feel pretty. She agreed wholeheartedly. 

H: She does and she doesn’t cry.

A: OMG I did with the last one. I thought I was going to die.

I: I’ll probably cry. I’m a cry baby. It hurts–I can tolerate it but I need to let it out.

A: Santiago cried with this one so much. It was just very stressful this time. We were alone, the epidural didn’t work, I was in so much pain, we knew it was the last one. He cried so much and the first thing that came out of my mouth was “OMG that was so painful,” I didn’t even ask about Antonio I just couldn’t concentrate.

I: I don’t want to think about that moment…

A: You can think about it…it doesn’t hurt–I mean I was in pain with Antonio because the epidural didn’t work but the second you give birth…the second, the instant–it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I: I freak out when I’m about to get a shot. I faint…I don’t want to think about it that day…

A: You’re going to have so much adrenaline because you’re meeting your abby that day. That’s the last thing you’ll be thinking about.

And this was true for me. Anything I could have been possibly worried about on this day I wasn’t. Regardless of any fears I had, it was ultimately the day I was going to meet my baby. 

Q: So, how has your pregnancy been?

I: It’s been good. The first trimester was scary for me. I was nervous, I didn’t know what to expect, there were different pains everywhere that I didn’t expect. At some point I had growing pains… I also have fibroids that were in the way and one got in the way so that was the most painful thing.

A: And you’re stretching–your body is getting ready to grow a baby.

I: So it was like three days of me not knowing if I should go to the hospital or not and they told me no. I think that’s when I started to calm down. My back hurts, but I think everyone has that…and then the growing pains.

A: Which honestly is super scary because no one tells you you’re going to have these growing pains. You know you’re going to get big but you don’t think you may get cramping. And Molina once told me…I had very little bleeding with one of them and I thought I lost the baby and she told me that rarely is that the case. If you have spotting or bleeding it could be for 1,000 different things.

I: Oh I didn’t bleed ever–thank goodness.

Q: Ok, let’s talk about your husband. Is he sooooo excited?

I: Oh God, he’s the happiest man alive!

A: Is he happy he’s having a boy?

I: Oh my God. Oh my God, he’s the most excited person in the world. It’s been beautiful. I think we’ve always been super close and we rarely fight and right now it’s just amazing.

A: So you guys are super romantic. He doesn’t think you’re annoying?

I: No.

A: He’s not pissing you off?

I: No, no he’s not. And I’m very shocked.

Can you tell I’m confused?

A: Santiago in my pregnancy–I can’t stand the sight of him. His smell, like I wish he wasn’t around. And the second I give birth, if he’s not at my beck and call…I need to feel like I am his queen 24/7, 365 days a year, 150% of the time. I need to feel like he’s obsessed with me. I need to feel it.

I: Thank God I haven’t felt any of that because he would have been like “alright, calm your shit.” I expected to us to be good but not like this. I’m finally being treated like the queen that I am.

A: You’re also going through your pregnancy during a time where you guys are forced to be together at home. I’ve never had a pregnancy like that. Santiago has always been so nervous throughout my pregnancies. Like worrying if I eat well, that I don’t stress too much, that I don’t bend down, etc.. It stresses me out more. Cause like, when you’re pregnant, you’re completely normal. Santiago treats me like I’m handicapped.

I: Oh yeah he does that too. Always checking in to make sure I had vegetables. Well guess what? I don’t want vegetables today–I want a cheeseburger.

A: Oh God, I always lied about what I ate because it was so annoying. But, you know what I determined? Because I’ve done this three times.. so like, you know how much you love your baby, right? So imagine them–they’re at our mercy. Like “please make sure you’re taking care of them and doing everything right because that’s my baby too.”

I: And our body isn’t ours anymore. And then I start feeling guilty when I’m asked about eating vegetables.

And then we laughed. But not too hard because, you know, burgers are delicious. 

Q: How do you feel about your body changing?

I: It’s horrible. No I mean, it’s not. I feel so guilty saying this because I waited for so long and now it’s here.. I think it could have gone worse. I’ve lost some weight now but I don’t think I have a cute belly.

A: Why?

I: I don’t know–because I don’t look like the skinny girls. But I’m coming to terms with it now because Dennis is like “you look so beautiful, you feel beautiful.” I think because of those comments I’m not going to stress about it. But now all I think about is once this baby is out–what am I going to do?

A: Well that’s the biggest thing. You go through a process where like, ok, you’re not pregnant anymore. So you’re not going to wear maternity clothes because you’re not pregnant, but you don’t fit into your regular clothes so you’re just in this limbo. It sucks. BUT, you’ll leave the hospital 10-15lbs less so that’s something. Between the baby, the blood, the placenta the water…you’ll have that gone.

I: That’s the only thing I think about. I’ve always struggled with this and now it’s tough.

Ok, if you find yourself feeling the same way, know you’re not alone. Know your weight isn’t important and what is important is being healthy for your baby. But, feel free to follow @catielunchlcsw on instagram. She is a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, maternal mental health, body image and postpartum care. Her posts are life changing. Go, follow her. I’ll wait. 

I: I love right now, what I’m going through..the second trimester. I’m tired but I can sleep, I can move–not as fast, but I can move. I don’t feel like “ok I’m going to break the baby…”

Q: Did you guys want a boy or a girl? Or you didn’t care?

I: I just wanted a healthy baby. But then, I convinced myself it was a girl….

A: And when you found out it was a boy…

I: Then I went into my appointment, she was so quick to determine the gender..I don’t know what I’m going to do with a boy. I mean I’ve always wanted a boy…my husband wanted a boy first…and now we’re talking about circumcisions…I don’t know what to do this is why I didn’t want a boy!

A: The day the circumcise my kids, it’s the worst day of my life. Never did they cry or complain, it takes five seconds, they bring them back sleeping…but for me, knowing I’m giving my baby to someone when they think they’re safe, and they’re going to do that to them was just too much…

I: And then you have to take care of it after. Ugh. I think that’s where we are right now.

A: Is the room done, are you nesting?

I: No. I think I’m scared…

A: You had issues getting pregnant but you’ve never suffered from an unhealthy pregnancy, so why even put that out there?

I: I know! Ugh, maybe next time. The only thing I’ve done is buy clothes and pick his name.

We talked about parenting styles, how her husband is for sure going to be the easy going parent and she’s going to be forced to be the disciplinarian. Her husband is in denial but she’s seen them with their dog so she isn’t convinced. 

Q: What are you worried about for after you give birth?

I: My weight. And for after when I come home. I read your post and it’s true. I come home from the hospital and then what? I’ve never practiced it, I’ve never lived it, I don’t know.

A: I don’t know how to explain it other than–you just do it.

I: Of course but I like to plan and I can’t. It’s freaking me out. What if I do it wrong? What if I oversleep?

A: It’s easy in the sense that they eat and sleep. So you change their diaper, feed them…

I: I do have a feeling that I’m going to get into mom-mode, I’m going to be OK. I have to be OK.

A: You know what, women have an amazing ability to just like get shit done. I’ll ask Santiago to change Antonio’s diaper…I’ll take a shower do my hair and he’ll still be buttoning up his pants. Santiago will go brush his teeth and in that time I’ll have changed Antonio’s diaper, swaddled him, rocked him to sleep and started a TV show.

I: Oh I was seeing the other day about swaddling. It’s like one of those things like yeah I have to learn about that. And so, the other day I cried. Because I realized if this thing is still going on (this thing meaning Covid-19), my mom won’t be allowed to come with me.

A: Yes! That was a huge thing for me. We even talked about this in depth before Antonio was born. Like maybe Santiago would be there for the birth but my mom would stay with me the 2-3 days in the hospital. But then they told us whoever came with me that day would be the only person who could stay. That was a discussion. Ultimately we decided Santiago couldn’t meet his son when he was a few days old but I really, really needed my mom.

I: Yes. I really want my husband there obviously but I want my mom too. It’s so hard.

A: It is! I remember when I was in so much pain and crying Santiago kept asking me what I wanted, and all I could say was my mom. And he was like “but I’m here!!” and I said ” I know but I need my mom.”

I: So I just realized my mom isn’t going to be there and I cried. She’s going to be here. She’ll be waiting for us to come home. And that’s when I’m going to probably need her more.

I don’t know if our conversation made her anxiety better or worse, but she is pregnant guys. She’s having her baby boy in December–just in time for Christmas and he’s going to be perfect–just like her. I’ll keep you guys posted on her delivery and first months as a first time mom. 




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