So You’re Having Four Then, Right?

A child is a blessing and trust me, I know how lucky I am. Not only do I feel lucky, I’m constantly reminded by every person around me. But damn, I’m going to be 31 with three children, all ages 3 and under. Essentially, I’m going to have three babies. And while 3 was always part of the plan, those closest to me know that some days I’m capable of mothering three children, some days I’m good with two, and other days I can’t handle the ones I already have. So now what?

On a positive note, I realized I was pregnant by accident, aka, I had no symptoms. This is the third pregnancy my body has gone through in the last four years and it’s pretty much been the same. With Santi and Joaquín I had tenderness in my boobs and was extremely tired. With this one, nothing. I was actually hoping for something so that I could at least feel pregnant, but so far, nothing. And while I consider myself extremely blessed, I also feel a little disconnected.

It’s no surprise to anyone that I’ve always wanted a girl. Here I am, three pregnancies later and it was now a dream I had that won’t be my reality. At the end of the day I want what all parents want (a healthy baby) and that’s exactly what I’m getting.

Sure, I’ll never be able to take my daughter to get a manicure, or buy cute pink clothes, but I’m going to have three sons. I’m raising men, raising legends. And as a friend told me right before I found out the gender for baby #3, being a boy mom is a vibe, and I plan on killing it.

Now, most people assume that because I wanted a girl I was utterly devastated to find out baby #3 wasn’t female, but it really isn’t the case. With Santi I wanted a girl (big surprise). Actually, they told me he was a girl for 3 days and then my bubble burst. I told myself it didn’t matter because it was my first and eventually I’d have my girl.

Now, when they told me Joaquín was a boy—that was a tough pill to swallow. I literally was not into it. It took me a good two weeks to get on board because I just could not get over the fact that I was having another boy. I mean, I already had one of those. But Joaquín was born and even though he doesn’t consider me his bestie, I’m completely in love with him just the same.

Baby #3 was a total surprise. And for those of you who don’t believe me, I don’t care. Yes I wasn’t super careful, but I really, really, really didn’t think  I would end up pregnant with a 7 month old at home. And while the thought of having 3 babies slowly sank in, I began to realize that a) this was my last child, b) I still really wanted a girl and c) having another boy would be really, really cool.

Santiago wanted another boy, my brothers wanted another boy… I mean, even I wanted another boy for my sons. They’re going to be so close in age and I feel like they’re going to have this connection and closeness that I would have loved to have.

So, as soon as I saw blue confetti, my future life flashed before my eyes and I loved what I saw. And because I had made such a big deal about loving pink and wanting a daughter, people assumed I was crying hysterically at home and that of course I’d have another baby. But guess what? We feel complete. We are happy with what we have because e honestly feel that’s what was meant for us.

I don’t see myself as a mom of four. Hell, I don’t think Santiago saw himself as a dad of three… but if we do decide to take the plunge, it won’t be because I want a girl, it’ll be because we want another baby. So, you can stop asking how many children I’ll have until I get my daughter. Cause the answer is, I’m done looking for her.

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