You Know What’s A Joke? Natural Family Planning

I would like to preface by saying that at least once a week (usually on Sundays when I have no help) I day dream about packing up my most prized possessions into a carryon and leaving my family. I don’t even want to do it when they’re asleep. I want to do this in broad daylight when I can drive by, possibly give the finger and say “BYE BYE” as I drive off into the sunset. Is this a bit rash? Possibly. But I’m exhausted because I haven’t slept in years.

I’m the type of person that can be convinced to try almost anything. Acupuncture, seeing a shakra, emotional cleanser, emotional healer—you name it, I’m there. I try to be open minded, so when my friend spoke to me about birth control being the next class action lawsuit and a silent killer, I immediately threw out my pills and casually told Santiago we would be practicing natural family planning.

Ok, so for most people you just count how many days your cycle is, you know when you ovulate and you stay far away from your partner in that time frame. BUT, since I’m extra 100% of the time, I couldn’t just do natural family planning, I needed to do it in style. So, I went to this website called Ava and purchased a $300 bracelet that you wear when you sleep and their app lets you check your ovulation schedule. This way I’d know when and when not.

I followed what the app said to a T. Probably more so than normal because at this point I had a 5 month old and a 2 year old and I wasn’t ready to hang with another baby anytime soon. (Disclaimer: I’m sometimes not ready to hang out with the children I currently have–don’t judge me.) 28 days went by and I’m anxiously waiting for you know what to come. I’m super regular so the fact that it’s one second late isn’t helping my anxiety.

Day two goes by and I’m not feeling nauseous, I’m getting headaches and I’m dizzy. Day three, I’m repulsed by food and feel butterflies in my stomach. Fast forward to day 5. This is the day I took three pregnancy tests (all negative) and went to by OBGYN’s office to get bloodwork done.

Guys, I cannot express how nervous I was. And to make matters worse, Santiago kept on saying stuff like:

S: Baby, it’s not a big deal. So we’ll have three.

S: (Scoffing) Our life is already a joke.

S: A shit show is a shit show, Adriana. One, two, three. At this point, who cares?

S: I would be happy. Is it ideal? No. Will I get a vasectomy? Yes.

Luckily enough, my you know what came just as I was about to cry myself to sleep.

Now, since I’m not on the pill, tracking my cycle was kinda difficult. I don’t open the app every day and I just knew that eventually I would get my you know what again. And yes, eventually I will get my you know what again.

A month later Santiago and I went to dinner on a Thursday night. Usually, we do date nights on Thursday and Saturday, and Friday we Netflix and chill with the boys. This Thursday, he took me to Cipriani and it was delicious. I mean, it was really romantic. We talked about the kids (this is inevitable), about our summer trip next year and about the fact that we really did feel like a cool and complete family. And since romance is most certainly not dead, in the middle of dinner, Santiago wanted to know if I was ovulating. You know, cause he’s curious.

As he sipped on his Bellini I calmly opened my app and check the calendar. 12 days. That’s how many days late I was. Now, the last time I was 5 days late so I tried to reason with myself. You know who wasn’t having it? Santiago…

S: 12 days? You’re pregnant. 

A: No I’m not. Shut up.

S: Yeah, you are. Who is 12 days late? Someone who is pregnant. 

A: Santiago, Joaquin is 8 months old what are you talking about?

S: I think we should leave? 

A: Why are you smiling????? WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY?????

Now, since I had the pregnancy scare the month prior, I still had a test at home. Pretty handy, right? Anyway, twenty minutes later I was at home taking a pregnancy test. Usually it takes 3 minutes for the results to come in. But not my results. Nope, mine came back in a whopping 5 seconds. PREGNANT.

That’s right, I’m pregnant (again). I will have a 3 year old, a 16 month old and a newborn. I will have 3 children ages 3 and under. I am giving my husband my brand new car and getting a mini van. I am turning into my mother. I, am never practicing natural family planning again.

And by the way, the two happiest people in this whole scenario were Santiago (the father) and Chrissy (the person who convinced me to get off birth control).

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1 Comment

  1. Chrissy
    September 25, 2019 / 2:56 pm

    THIS is my favorite post of all time!! ???????

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